Inspired by C. Ly
June 15, 2005
Are my criteria for dating too strict? If a girl,
like, says, I mean, or like, ya know, more than say,
like, ten times in the first five minutes, I'm, like, totally not
into her, ya know what I mean ... um, yeah.
June 16, 2005
I love myself ... No, I don't ... I hate myself.
Ohh, the duality of the Gemini. I change my mind in Goddamned mid-sentence.
August 22, 2005
Am I the only one who sees a smokin hot Vietnamese
girls face floating around like Lincolns profile on
the penny everywhere I go?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Struggle Against Global Extremism ... Oh man, I
really hope this colorful catch phrase proliferates like daisy cutters
on a hot Iraqi summer day.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
My girlfriend says I have an uncanny resemblance
to her boyfriend. (Should I be worried?)
Thursday, August, 25, 2005
In peace, we love our fellow man. But during the
Struggle Against Global Extremism (and who exactly is more extreme
than Fanatical Conservative Christian Republicans?), suspect anyone
who doesn't look like you.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Vicodin ... Ohh sweet Vicodin.
Wednesday, October 6, 2004
I dont give a goddamn what anybody says. You
cannot oversleep. Whenever you wake up is the right time to get
January 14, 2005
No laces for me, too much of a hassle. Ill
take my Pumas without cumbersome laces, thank you very much.
January 14, 2005
Yappin on the cellular at Runyon Canyon- How
many times have you seen some annoying douchebag, who also moonlights
as a motherfucker, talking loudly and annoyingly at a supposedly
tranquil place? I know its been said before and will surely
be revisited in the future, but what can be done to curb out-of-control
cell phone behavior? Public Castration? Chinese Water Torture? No
February 23, 2005
A funny thing happened as I strolled down the Third
Street Promenade in lovely Santa Monica. I witnessed an Asian kid
getting cuffed by a black undercover cop in front of the Apple
store. This perp was trying to make off with a free iPod, but didnt
make it very far. Hypothetically speaking though, the good thing
is that after he rightfully purchases an iPod, he can listen to
his favorite mp3s while doing his favorite community service.
9:03p Tuesday, March
I love telling fellow co-workers (other catering
staff, to be precise) that so-and-so (insert bosss
name here) said that they are doing a really good job. They either
look at me incredulously like Im full of shit, or they smile
really big and thank me for sharing this sweet catering compliment.
Either way, it makes for a good laugh, and might even build character
and team morale. And if they go up to the boss and thank them for
the perceived compliment, it makes for some serious comedy.
March 28, 2005
Are you the type of person that likes to take a
lil sneak peek at your poop before it races down the porcelain
black hole? It really is a good idea to make sure your stool is
healthy every now and then.
May 13, 2004
Words spewed out of his mouth like pus from an open
wound, and I thought to myself, His words are meaningless
and forgettable; without action they are merely particles floating
about aimlessly and without reason. A man with no conviction
is hardly a man at all.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Do you have to take a drug test to run for President?
See, I was thinking about adding my name to the ballot, but then
I realized I wasnt even 35 years of age yet.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
I was checking out this chick who was wearing a
beautiful silver dress at this party tonight. Then it occurred to
me that, even though her outfit was stunning, she was anything but.
Which got me to thinking, you could put a crackwhore in a Cadillac,
and youd still be left with a crackwhore.
Sunday, May 30, 2004
I am a man with adult-like problems trying in vain
to fix them with a child-like approach. I guess you could say Im
a Toys R Us kinda guy.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Never trust a man with a limp or extremely weak
handshake, and also be wary of guys who hold on to your hand for
an unnaturally long time too.
Tuesday, June 1, 2004
In this life, one has many options. The choice is
up to you, but I would still strongly suggest you dismiss that crazy
notion of marrying that bitch. Shes a money-grubbing whore
who will rarely ever screw you after you get married. Dont
be a sucker. If your foolishness cannot be averted, at least do
yourself a favor and marry a girl that is not American. And forget
about blowjobs, they are absolutely out of the question.
Thursday, June 3, 2004
God? Whats all the fuss about anyway? Its
a complete non-issue.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
I imagined myself once just as a normal person.
I realized being normal isnt really about being normal; its
about trying not to be too different from the rest. Abnormality
kicks ass. Question conformity and never succumb to peer pressure.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Words are like rivers. All bodies of water are connected
by at least some degree; no different from word origins.
February 17, 2004
I havent felt this tired in quite some time.
I can hardly keep my eyelids open. I seem to have lost my motivation.
One day at a time I suppose. I only want to live without worries
but am always taking the path of least resistance. Im looking
for a get rich quick scheme, and still cant appreciate hard
work, but what do I have to show for it except some incredible experiences
and an astounding girlfriend? Is it simply a matter of time or will
my time never come?
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
I was. I am. I will be, and you cannot stop me once
I put my mind to it. My quest for redemption shall not be obstructed
by your pettiness.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
Before the bullet hits the bone, remorse hits the
soul of the shooter. Dont shoot other people.
Sunday, June 1, 2003
I came to the frightening realization that I absolutely
hate my roommate. The only thing is, I live alone.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
should not be allowed to wear spandex. Now, I know what youre
saying, Cmon man, fat people have just as much right
as you or me. Wrong. They dont have the right to wear
skin-tight clothing if they will be in any public place. We
need to start regulating this more forcibly. The burden lies with
the salespeople in the stores where these plump bastards are buying
everything off the shelves. Its time to face the music and
stop pretending its permissible.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
so sick and tired of these cutesy t-shirts that girls, and even
some women, wear. Im talking about these annoying Bitch,
Princess, or Goddess t-shirts. If you really
need a t-shirt to define who you are, you have no business flaunting
your incorrigible behavior around, bitch.
And while Im
on the subject, dont get all bent out of shape when some dude
is looking at your rack when youre wearing something from
the Baby Gap three sizes too small.
June 16, 2003
I would just
like to take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" to a dear
friend, without whose invaluable counsel, I wouldnt be here
today. Happy 28th, Oscar.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Theres no such thing as an Irish alcoholic;
hes simply the life of the party.
Sunday, July 6, 2003
I once saw an irate man in a drunken stupor proclaim
You havent seen the last of me!, as he was being
escorted by two bouncers out of this club. Evidently, this guy was
a bit too liquored up and groped one too many ladies and got the
As it was, he didnt really mean what he said
because we never saw him again after that.
Monday, July 7, 2003
A pharmacist can never call in sick to work because
the supervisor always knows theres some medication at work
that will make him feel better.
Friday, July 11, 2003
I think Im getting full on my self-servings.
Monday, July 14, 2003
The male ego is the only thing on a man more sensitive
than his balls.
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
You say youre no starf*cker, yet you came
in with me, but left with Vince Vaughn.
May 14, 2003
Let me clear
one thing up. I am not a devout Democrat. I simply despise Republicans.
I am anti-Republican if a label must be affixed.
Friday, May 16, 2003
Every modern-day hero needs powerful theme music, and don't forget
Sunday, May 18, 2003
The next time
one of your boys starts perpetratin' on a little philly you just
introduced him to, remember this: Not everybody believes in brothers
April 2, 2003
is the fertilizer of life."
Rest in peace, Doc.
Saturday, April 12, 2003
If you're looking
for a sure-fire way to cure boredom, I suggest this. Find a place
that rents Suzuki Samurais and go cruising for bitches and dips.
If that's not enough entertainment for yo ass, try jumping railroad
tracks at 40 mph. You can really fly in those little jeeps.
April 15, 2003
Sure Rumsfeld's a media darling with his suave manner of answering
questions with more questions. But everybody knows he's really just
an old curmudgeon who loves to invade people who don't look like
February 9, 2003
A fool and his money will soon part ways. A fool
with anger management issues will also lose his shirt, belt, and
pants, and have to spend a lot of
free time in the joint.
February 14, 2003
No matter how you interpret it, 'I'll talk to you
later...,' whether figuratively or literally, I am protected by
the truth, because it will be LATER when we talk again.
February 27, 2003
Everybody knows my favorite word is FREE. Getting
free shit always puts a smile on my face.
Sunday, March 9, 2003
Alright, this one's real simple folks. Fake tan,
fake personality. You live in Socal, get out more.
January 22, 2003
Another L.A. first...
I've seen some worthwhile shit go down in L.A.,
like a fistfight break out in the Galaxy Theatre on Hollywood Blvd.
during a screening of Traffic, and witnessing a speeding car take
off the door of another person's car as he was stepping out of it
on Magnolia Blvd.
But the other night, while smoking a bowl with Karen,
I heard a distinct buzzing sound emanating from outside our apartment
building. Much to my surprise, as I peered out the third story window,
I saw a young black man dismantling an obscene, orange parking boot
from his dilapidated Honda Civic with an electric saw. I opened
the window and shouted down, "Way to go, bro. Stick it to the
Man. Fuck the L.A. parking bureau!"
Although I secretly hope he appreciated my solidarity,
he told me to shut the fuck up, as not to arouse any suspicion of
wrongdoing. Fifteen minutes later, he and his car were both gone.
To this day I haven't seen this fellow around my
neck of the woods again, but when I do, I plan on giving him a hearty
Texas-sized handshake. This guy reminded me that, in times of desperation,
you can either abide and pay the fine, or take matters into your
own hands and saw the whole thing off. It's beautiful, it really
January 22, 2003
No matter what you say or do, they will get you.
And when they do, it's gonna hurt like hell.
Gazette (February 2003)
Monday, December 16, 2002
Tell me one
thing. Is it true fat chix try harder? Because if they do, I'm prepared
to put that theory to the test.
Monday, December 16, 2002
Has there been
any human being more annoying in the last decade than Rosie O'Donnell?
I think Oprah might be second, but there's a pretty big gap between
the two of these heifers.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
It seems intelligence
is a fading commodity in our shallow culture. Evidently the youth
of our warped nation would rather have a tricked-out Escalade with
20" rims and a booming sound system than a high IQ. And I don't
even want to get started on the idiocy of our SUV trend; I'm trying
to be merry this holiday season.
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
to 'Peace on Earth' and 'Goodwill towards men'? I suppose we can
only have peace after we're done bombing the hell out of the Iraqis.
What's a little collateral damage? They're only human lives, but
with one important distinction: they're not American lives. So that
is why they are expendable and thus 'collateral damage.' Have you
ever heard of anything more disgusting in all your life? Our government
is completely fucked.
Wilshire Gazette (January
Tuesday, November 12, 2002
If a woman
is whining about something to her boyfriend in the forest, and there's
nobody else there to hear the bitching and moaning, does the boyfriend
really have to listen to this shit?
3:33a Tuesday, November
We are a country
divided...divided by wealth and greed.
4:26p Friday, November
telling a girl you love her only to sleep with her, or actually
12:11p Friday, November
One time while
I was driving from Denton to Oklahoma, I could actually feel myself
getting stupider as I crossed the border.
Wilshire Gazette (December
Sunday, September 29, 2002
I took my dog
Dulce (which means sweetness in Spanish) to the park once a few
years back. The great thing about having a beautiful dog is that
the chickies flock to pet your dog, and it's a really good conversation
starter. This one girl asked me if she was good with other dogs,
to which I replied, 'Oh yes she's fantastic with other dogs.' Then
she asked if she had ever bitten anybody, to which I replied, 'No,
she's never bitten anybody...that didn't deserve it, that is. One
time she bit this dumbfuck named Foster who had it coming for taunting
her. Put a hole right through his left hand.' The girl looked a
little spooked and walked off. It was the last time I ever told
Friday, October 4, 2002
make fun of Sarah Jessica Parker, at least right now, at Runyon
Canyon. I told this hilarious joke about her and nobody laughed
at it. I was fucking furious. The joke goes like this; Sarah Jessica
Parker walks into a local bar and the bartender asks, 'Why the long
You be the judge.
Monday, October 7, 2002
it wasn't for masturbation, I would be in prison right now.
Wilshire Gazette (November